Reverb 10.

I'll be participating in Reverb 10 this year. One writing prompt per day from 12/1 to 12/31.

Today's prompt:
One word to describe what 2010 has been. One word to describe what 2011 will be.

2010: Full.
2011: Forward.
C. Noelle

I am thankful for...

My life.

One year ago I was dreading Black Friday in a job I hated. I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt...awful.

But this year, I'm in a totally different place. That mistake came back to bite me, but I was not left unprotected. I left the job in favor of something else, and that opened the door for me to do a lot more.

I'm taking steps toward establishing an actual career rather than just...changing jobs. That's a big deal to me.

I could be happier, but anything worth having is worth waiting for.

I am living through an exercise in patience. Maybe not patience. Maybe a lesson in listening to my first mind instead of my impulse. Until now, impulse has always won. Even when my mind was slowing me down, my impulse pressed my foot harder on the gas pedal.

As I look down the road toward my next birthday, I am learning to temper my impulse.

Good thing my birthday is after the holidays, cuz I just KNOW I'm gonna make some irresponsible choices on December 26th. Black Friday be damned. The day after Christmas is when the REAL sales get popping.

One year from now, I will be having this same reflective moment. I will be missing home badly, but I will be ready to visit for Christmas. I will have taken my next big step. I will be on the down side of my 20s, speeding rapidly to 30, and loving every moment of my life up to that point.

Trust?! What the fuck is trust?! [/Dave Chappelle]

While I was at work on Friday night, an ooooold friend came into my store. He is the ex-boyfriend of my best friend. They dated when we were maybe 15. I hadn't seen him since then, and he looked great. He quit smoking and looked 180 degrees different. [Yes, he was quite the smoker at age 15. Cigarettes and weed. And kept his Henny in a Pepsi bottle in the cupholder of his Jeep.]


He gave me his number to pass on to my friend. I gave her the number yesterday. A few hours later I called her mother and said I was coming over. As soon as I hung up the phone, she was calling me to ask me to come get her. Why?


Her son's father had just come to pick her up, but she sent him home. Her mother found out she was talking to her ex and invited him over. Well of course she had to stay and see him, right? Of course. No problem, because I was already on my way.


I got to the house a few minutes before ex-boyfriend. We all sat up playing dominoes and talking shit until about 1am. Ex-boyfriend was headed in the direction of her house, which is the opposite direction of my house. So why the hell couldn't he take her home?


Because she couldn't risk her baby's father seeing her getting out of the car with this ex.


He had seen him once and she mentioned "Oh there's so and so." I guess she didn't lie when he asked who the guy was. Good. Don't lie. Lying is stupid.


But you dated this boy when you were FIFTEEN. We are now TWENTY-FOUR. Yes it was a deep and intense relationship, but they ALL are when you're fifteen and a sophomore in high school. Why the fuck would he be mad that you got a ride home from him? Oh. Because he's an insecure ass so-and-so who doesn't trust you.


Of course she hit me with the "Well I wouldn't want him hanging out with an ex either." Girl. Girl. It was high school. The shit no longer counts. If you're with him now, why does it matter that you ran into someone you dated nine years ago and caught a ride home? It doesn't, and it shouldn't, and if your man has a problem with you speaking to a friend from high school, he's a bitch and you need to leave his ass alone ASAP.


She tried to defend his insecurity by saying "Well I have cheated on him before so I understand."


NO. FUCK THAT.


We are now adults.


If your "man" doesn't trust you to speak to another man (whether you cheated or not), y'all need to not be together. For real. Because you're wasting each other's time. If you don't trust him to speak to another woman, stay single until you get some security in your relationship.




I'll be doggoned if my partner is going to dictate my friendships to me. And if he thinks he is, he is not my partner.


A lot of women will tell you that they don't have female friends, although as I get older I think I hear that a bit less. However, I have not had more than five female friends at once ever in my life. I have always been drawn to men. That being said, I had these male friends when I met you. For a long time. And I'm not going to stop just because you feel some type of way. That's your problem.


The moral of this story:


If you do not trust each other, leave each other alone.


And if you think you want to cheat on your partner, leave them. You obviously don't love that person enough to keep your pants on and walk away from the situation. Your love for that person should override your momentary sexual desire. The math is simple. "I love my partner. I don't want to lose them. If I do this, I could lose them. Let me not."


But if you go through all those steps and STILL can step out, you need to stay single.


She said to me "But that may be someone you really could see yourself with!"


To which I replied, "Then you need to put shit on the table out gate. 'I like you. I want to be with you. However, I like to fuck a variety of people. I think we could be great together and I would like to keep you around, but it is unfair for me to make you be in a relationship while I still play single. That being said, let's keep each other company and fuck other people until we both can agree that we want to settle down.'"


Shit is simple. It gets complicated when grown ass people start to act like kids with the games and shit.


Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

I am sitting on my bed wide awake. Not because I can't sleep. I am tired. I will work about twelve hours tomorrow. I should be getting into bed.

But my mind, being itself, is going.

I am very tired.

I feel like everything in the world is on my shoulders and it will soon prove overwhelming.

I would really like to just...quit.

I'm ready to just give up.

I don't know exactly what that entails, but I would very much like to try.

I have too many things to do. Too much responsibility. I'm tired of wearing my big girl pants all the damn time.

If this could just be...six months ago.

I am going through a very long period of transition. I am tired of evolution. I want things to just...stop. For once. Stop. I don't want to grow anymore right now. I need a break.

I feel like the world is closing in on me and I know that it won't fall on top of me and when it gets here it will only elevate me but I have a touch of claustrophobia and I can't deal with this closeness.

I'm almost twenty five years old. People tell me how young I am all the time, but 25 is almost 30 and I'm not even sure I'm on the trajectory to get where I want to be when I'm 30.

Dear whoever is in charge of all this,
Can this please be over by next March? I'm not even sure I have it in me to last through November just yet but I can't imagine what it will be like. And I know pressure makes diamonds and I know how long it takes but just...I'll settle for being something else. Or a small imperfect diamond. I'm trying really hard to live one day at a time and see the blessings in each day and think about the lilies of the field but this shit BLOWS.

Vacation.

I took a vacation last month. As I was reading some previous blogs I came across the one in which I spoke of it. Reminded me that I have not blogged since.

So...here goes...

Today is Monday, the day after Sunday. Two Mondays have passed since the last time I felt you near me. Every Tuesday and Wednesday and other day since then have left me physically feeling like something is missing. Like the day you forget to wear your watch. I think that maybe 7 days was too long. I got attached. But really, I'm not sure I don't like it.

I'm actually not sure of anything right now. Everything is open. Everything is "maybe". And I hate maybe. Perhaps, on this Monday, I am being taught to wait. To be patient. To breathe and be present, even if I am not where I want to be. I must still be here.

But regardless of it all, I had a beautiful time with a beautiful person. I was loved on and attended to in a way that is new to me. And as I sit here writing this, on a Monday afternoon, Crown Royal begins to play. If there is one song I have become quite fond of in these weeks that have passed, it's that one. I've also developed a deep attachment to The Foreign Exchange. I loved them before I left, but now they have become ingrained in the memories of that time. If we had a soundtrack, it would be Jill Scott's third album and all of FE's.

The stomach ache has returned, although I hardly felt it when I was with you. The heart palpitations and short breathing stopped, too. I took seven days to unwind. To be cute and get comfortable in the [not Milwaukee] sun. Fell in love that week. Can't focus on being here because I want to get back there. It's warmer. Even the sun seemed happier to be shining.

I was thinking that maybe I would go and I would find out that everything I thought I was wanting was completely wrong. But I was proved right. His hands felt like I knew they would. His kiss was just as wonderful. His voice was twice as soothing when being whispered into my ear. He smells like all sorts of wonderment. And he's sexy as hell. There are no words, really.

I was quiet because I was getting comfortable. I was settling in, I guess. And taking in all the moments, and in awe. Suddenly it was really happening. Just like it had happened in my daydreams. Thinking about it now, it still blows me away that that happened. One of those things you really can never explain, I guess. And if you can, it doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal. But feelings and words are not interchangeable.

It has been over a month...

...since my last blog post.

And while I am not necessarily proud of that fact, it's better than eight or nine months.

I am writing this post for the sake of writing it. Because I have not written more than tweets in those months, and I'm not sure Tumblr posts count.

So here I am, an ineffective writer.

But writing mad posts about how I'm not a writer just...kinda...is ridiculous.

Welcome to Today.

Today is Thursday. The day before Friday. The day before payday. I have missed the Goodwill Sale at the department store, but I have found the thing I so diligently sought. One of the things. After weeks of searching, I have found it on a Thursday. In Milwaukee, WI. The Thursday before the most important Wednesday I can remember to date. I have polished my fingers and toes in preparation for the event, although the polish will be done over before I go. Every day between now and then will be filled with electric air and anticipation of what your hands feel like when they grasp my waist.

But today is only Thursday. One day closer.

My stomach is aching as I sit here, and ideally I would ask a doctor about these sudden and often severe pains. That will be on the same day I ask about my short breathing and heart palpitations. And why my hip has started popping.

As I sit here, I think sweetly of more pleasant things although First 48 is on the TV.

I daydream, or just let my mind wander (as it is now night time and a night dream is just...a dream), about the things I could be doing and the things I should have done. What may happen in the future and how I or we may grow next year. If I don't continue forward from this jogging in place I've been doing, I will burn substantially less calories and still tire myself out. And I will have accomplished nothing.

But today, right now, I will check my mentions and play on Tumblr and re-polish the ruined nails.

Welcome to my daydream. Welcome to my future. Welcome to today.

My life, the mess.

Last night I mentioned some mess in my life, but I honestly don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'll shorten it I think.


My ex is buggin' out majorly. He had the nerve to tell me that I don't know what love and friendship are because I won't take care of him anymore.

First he was trying to snap on me and cuss and accuse me of...all sorts of shit. Just throwing a tantrum whenever he could.

Then he asked me to still blow him.

Mind you, he has a girlfriend. I told him that was off the table and not under the umbrella of "I'd do what I could for you."

I said "I'll give you a ride. I'll run an errand. I won't take care of your basic every day needs. That is no longer my responsibility."

I'm spoiled, but that sense of entitlement shit is something I won't ever understand. I need to figure out what my father did to keep it from growing in me. Maybe because he had no fear about punishing me when I fucked up. There were plenty of times when I went without as a child. I actually started working when I was twelve or thirteen and had my first legal job at 14.

I have no confusion about how to get what I want, I've just been fortunate enough to have people in my life that sowed into my life and will do for me. I never expect that treatment. As much as I appreciate my father, I know he doesn't have to do what he does for me.

But some people don't get that shit.

While all of this mess is going on, this other gentleman (which he really is) is all over my interwebs and BlackBerry just wooing my heart away.

We've been talking for a long time, and the whole time we have flirted and joked about all sorts of things. But all of a sudden it took a strong turn for the serious.

And it's fun. It feels ok. It feels...good.

And it's making me happy.

AND while I'm dealing with all of that, I start to rebound HARD.

I start checking old traps.

Which was...not my best idea.

Homeboy and I used to have amaaaazing sex. So amazing that he would text and call me several times a year after I told him to go jump in the lake three years ago.

Turns out he's a personal trainer now, which is pretty good for me.

Except that he's sweating me to damn DEATH. Constant texts and calls and "watchu doin" and all that shit. I'm like...I appreciate it, but get a life ASAP.

I thought I was sweating my sugar dumpling too hard but he saaaaid he liked my morning texts.

Plus dude was big before and he got skinny. I really...only liked his size and his oral abilities anyway. Since he's not big, the allure is gone.

Rebound thoughts in action, getting me into trouble.

Plus one of my best friends told me I'm gorgeous the other day, and then I got all flirtatious and told him I think he's cute too. Which I do. I think he's soooo fly.

And I knew this might happen, so I started to tell him "Please spurn my advances for the next three weeks!" but I didn't. Not to mention that he actually started it. I didn't.

Since I didn't start it, I think it might me ok to let it play out and just see. When we saw each other the other night, it wasn't the usual "Oh hai!" gaze, it was the "Oh...hey..." gaze. Then he didn't go for the handshake. He went for the hug. And the hug was extra tight. And I let my hand linger.

My interest is piqued at this point.

And now y'all know about my messy life.

Mess and foolishness.

And fun.

Late night poetry.

I've been so busy the last week or so I damn near forgot I had a blog.

I remembered tonight, though.

So here I am, writing again.

I told someone I would write them a poem a while ago, but the poem wasn't ready to be written then. However, I wrote a few tweets last weekend that were the beginning of this poem.

As I'm writing this post, let me say something...

My rebound vibes must be PUMPING because I was offered a gym membership, some "more private" pix, and asked if I would still suck his dick even though we're broken up and he has a girlfriend.

Clearly THAT is the post I need to be writing.

Anyway, read the text and/or watch the video.

Leave a comment.

Serious business.

I almost can't even write this from my Blackberry.

The emotions are too big for the tiny keys.

My heart is filled to bursting with excitement and joy and love.

It's a dope feeling.

Emotions on eleven
head swimming the back stroke.
Funny timing life has.

The voice on the phone
repeated my sentiments
Made me think so much more of you, love.
Made me think not less of him.
Maybe more frequently.

Yet…all I want is you.
I almost wish I didn't
and I feel crazy sometimes.
but I know I'm not alone in my insanity.
There are others there with me.
And we all roam the halls
from daylight into dusk
Singing to ourselves about distant love.

And yes, I break into poetry. Sometimes I break into song. But at this moment the only thing that made my life communicatable was a poem. Explaining everything that just happened was tooooo much.

Crazy how life overlaps.
I wonder if it isn't repeating itself on purpose.
It has a lot to say
but it can't teach new lessons
until old ones are truly learned.
And here I am, bumping my head and determined
to beat life
to beat experience
to do things my own way and win.
I was always taught
that what I want to do cannot be done
but I don't intend to ever stop trying.

I'd ask you to forgive me if what I'm saying doesn't make sense, but if I may paraphrase Ru, "I'm searching in my purse for a fuck to give."
C. Noelle

Tuesday.

Today is Tuesday.

I don't know if I have much to say.

I am writing because I love my words. I'm tired of letting time eat them. Even if I haven't written a grand piece of work, I have written something and once again kicked sloth in the ass.

The real truth is that my life is bursting with events right now. My heart is brimming with emotions of every sort. I'm sad, elated, anxious, stressed, apathetic, hopeful… And they're on an hourly rotation. Everything has happened. Everything has changed.

Welcome, change. Hello. Have a drink and settle in. I've been waiting for you.

It took some time for me to be ready. When you got here I was still in my robe.

But I'm ready now, and I was worth the wait.
C. Noelle

Why, hello.

I was supposed to have resumed blog posting last Sunday.

I got sleepy and forgot. Clearly I wasn't serious.

For me, that reveals a bigger issue than this blog.

I spend every waking moment considering things I should be writing about and the wonderful ways I could assemble the words to paint the pictures of the scenery of my life and I think about all the time I've wasted not doing that.

I call myself a writer. Not "aspiring", but a writer.

At my core, my essence, that's who I am. I can't escape it. If I could, it would have left me on grounds of spousal neglect by now.

But if I do not write, blogs or stories or essays or poems, I am not a writer, I am a dreamer.

Dreamers who do not act will never get paid.
C. Noelle

The ceiling is leaking.

There are cracks in the ceiling of my house.
I fear the whole thing will come down on me.
Too many years of hiding the little things and now…
the ceiling is leaking, too.

I place pots on the floor.
They catch the water as it comes.
Too many pots on the floor makes an awful racket.
Now there is not a clear path in the house.

I must plot my steps carefully now.
The bare floor is precious.
I cannot afford a spill.
There is no time to clean up the mess.