Enraged.

I can't drive when I'm angry.

I get the urge to drive over medians.

I go blind...get tunnel vision.

I do it anyway, but I don't even feel safe with myself.

Think I have an anger problem?

Maybe.

I mean...

it's not all the time and

it's not every time I get mad but...

it's dangerous.



Seems to me that
my anger has learned to control me.
I used to be the stronger person but lately
the stresses of life have rendered me useless
against this force.
Takes all my energy
to keep me sober
and alive
and not screaming.
Trying to fight the same passions that fuel love
with nothing more than
the inability to move
has rendered me helpless
almost hopeless
dependent on
the little bit of sense
I have left
to keep me alive
my
anger has learned to control me
and I don't think I'll fight anymore.

I'm Proud of Myself.

I'm proud of myself.

I went to get dessert with a friend of mine after work, and nothing happened.

While that's not 100% on me, I did a damn good job of keeping my pants on and my hands to myself.

When I left there, I went to see an old fuddy of mine.

He's gained a few pounds and he looks so damn sexy.

He touched me and tickled me and had I stayed there he would have fucked me and I'd be asleep in his bed rather than writing this blog.

However, I knew how he was making me feel so I had to take my exit.

But damn...he just looks so good!

I have to pat myself on the back for having willpower for once.

Go me and shit.

So I was sitting here and shit...

That's my thinking face.


Yes.

I fucking said it.

Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger.

Niggerish, niggardly (which is, in fact, a word), niggaholic.

Anyway, I was thinkin' about the word "nigger".

So the fuck what?

However, this is not the point.

I'm mad and shit.

Who the fuck told these fools out here that "nigger" means ignorant?

I bothered to look the shit up online, and three different sites all related it back to its original and derogatory roots in the Black and racist communities.

That shit does not now, nor has it ever, meant "ignorant".

It means Black.

Plain and fuckin' simple.

What concerns me about this, however, is that the connotation of the word is changing and people are forgetting what they're truly saying.

No way in hell is calling someone your "nigga" calling them a friend or comrade.

I wish people would just take a minute to remember what they're saying, and just think before they speak.

How much sense does it make for someone to say "Well I can say that shit because it means he's my friend, but if you say it I'll bust you in the mouth."

If white people said that about any word in the English language we'd be hollering language based racism or some other dumb ass shit.

I just read an article about the word in relation to that Michael Richards incident. (Here it is, as a matter of fact.)

The author contends that no one should use it, and everyone needs to think hard before they speak.

I agree.

Stop saying that shit, but never forget it.

To forget it is to invite slavery back and let them take our rights to voting and land.

That shit was only 40 years ago, by the way.

Frame it and make a relic of it. Put it up in a museum for all to see.

Inside a slave ship.

And around it place shackles and chains and whips and cotton.

















Put that shit up next to it too.

People Keep Asking Me...

People keep asking me why I chose to become celibate.
No one can understand how somebody can just give up sex and still be alive I guess.
But I haven't been able to really talk about it to anyone.
They ask, and I answer. But not honestly.
So what better than to tell a bunch of strangers who probably will never read this?

I did it because I wasn't getting any in the first place.

And in my time off, I thought. I thought a lot.

I thought about the relationship I had just come out of that was fueled by about 98% pure lust and sexual energy.

We would lock eyes and lock hands...lock lips and arms and bodies...and before I knew it I was on orgasm number 5 and cloud 9 and losing my soul bit by bit to someone that wouldn't even store it properly.

And I couldn't get him to pick up the phone all day some days.

Couldn't even get him to keep a date.

But he could call when he needed some, and my silly perceptive ass was happy to oblige.

And when that bull shit ended and I escaped back to Oz to live my life alone again, the calls stopped coming and I stopped trying to make them and I realized that I just didn't need it.

Sex brings an insane amount of stress to any relationship.

Friends that fuck are often not friends anymore.

And sex can cause two people that otherwise love each other to stop talking and never want to speak again over a misunderstanding when the understanding that they had, which was greater, may have been that which changed the world.

I didn't have time for that stress.

And as I thought, I remembered that my body is a temple. By doing what I was doing I was desecrating my temple on more than one level.

I disrespected my body and I was giving away my mind, and one day I woke up and I was tired of that. I wanted my SELF back, and I wanted my control back.

And now I've got it, and I'm happy.

If I never meet another man that can deal with having a girlfriend that won't fuck him, I'll be my own damn girlfriend.

:)

Music To Blog By

I tried to add this on the side w/ the pix, but it was too wide.

Just music I love.

I'm SOOOO fucking tired.

I'm tired as fuck.

And I'm irritated because I let myself get this way.

I knew what I was doing, and I saw the shit coming.

But I went with it anyway.

Note to self: next time you're so fuckin' unsure, don't jump in head first.

I keep saying I'm so through with love.

I need to just chill.

Wait for God to send my man and shit.

But then something gets dangled in front of me and before I can go forward prayerfully like I know I should, I'm like "Well maybe I'll just test the waters on this one."

And then the shit is scalding fucking hot.

You would think I'd learn.

I'm making excuses for my behavior and seeing signs. Calling little things signs and paying them too much attention.

Shit I was so excited to just have a saved man in my life I forgot his ass was human. Didn't think he would be in the same place I am.

But then he was.

And I was fucked, again.

I'm not in the mood.

For anything.

I'm stressed and I'm tired.

I just had those thoughts of death again.

Just to sleep and not wake up.

I don't feel like crying right now.

Don't have time for it.

Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Maybe it's all in my head.

Maybe I'm not stressed or depressed.

I'm just dramatic.

Call me the drama queen.