The Nature of Love

I love hella easily.

It doesn't take much before I'm accidentally adding it to the end of my texts.

I have dated two men, both of whom have interesting situations.

Because of who I am and how I love, I feel like their situations are also mine. To me, it's nothing. Whatever the shit is, you and I are going through it together.

Most recently, he has a daughter. She's adorable. He could not deny her if he had God himself testifying on his behalf. She looks just like him.

A recent Tweet of mine read "How do you say 'I love you and I want to be a part of your life. Because of the nature of true love, I want to be a part of her life too.'"

Because that's what love means, and what real love does.

Ultimately, that is not what's poppin. I end up hurt because I could not restrain my willing and wanting heart.

But someone else calls, and I love him too.

And how do you say then "I still love him, but I love you too. And I want to be a part of the intimate details of the makings of you, like I did him."

I am an uncontrolled and unrestrained…

serial lover.

And I believe that that is the nature of love. Continuous giving.
C. Noelle

Stupid arguments.

We had one today.

"I'd like to see you before I leave tomorrow."

I was mad I didn't see him before I left. I meant today. He thought I meant yesterday.

I'm kinda sad because I really miss him.

Point being, you never really know what the other person heard.

We had a spat and that shit left me feeling bad. What if something happens while I'm gone?

I should say I'm sorry. I miss you. If I get into an accident and go into a coma just know that I went being in love with you.

That's what I should say.

Maybe I will.

This shit goes a good amount deeper than just me and B. It's really about B and other women.

About me feeling slightly inadequate and acting in that, but also being the type of chick that would give you her last just because.

Even when I'm mad and want to say whatever I'm thinking and get shit off my chest and maybe roll my neck a little, I've gone back into "just don't say shit" mode. At least partially.

Today, I didn't. And I snapped prematurely. Now I have to apologize, because it's driving me crazy.

But I wouldn't want to be with a man that I didn't want to apologize to. If I don't want to apologize, he's a soft ass and will take my shit. What woman wants that?

That or I've been dicked into submission.
C. Noelle

Hate.

I would just like to say that "I hate you" has become code for "I love you more than anything."

Also, pressure applied at just the right moment can make a man whimper.
C. Noelle

On The Flip

Another poem. Off the dome. Needs some editing, though. Maybe later.

I thought he was
a realer kinda dude
but in reality he was
really kinda full of shit
just like these other kinda dudes
Which was cool too
But for some other kinda bitch
Cuz this kind don't have the time
For his kinda bull shit.
Not today anyway.
Maybe catch me on the flip
Flop
The other side
Or the next life time
Cuz that
Shit
Is for the birds.
C. Noelle

Sometimes...

He came to see me at work today.

I wasn't there.

He was five minutes early.

I miss him. Just saw him yesterday. Big difference between seeing and seeing though.

I need some of those kisses.

When he does stuff like that, I wanna drop the "L" word.

At the end of every day when I text him goodnight, I want to say "Good night baby. I **** you. Sweet dreams."

And in the morning, when I wish him a beautiful day: Good morning snugglemuffin. Have a great day. I **** you. Kiss the kids for me.

All that.

Sometimes.

Other times I snap out of my non-reality before the clouds cover my dream world. I know I can't say it. The best I can do is offer first to cook for him, second to bring something. If he's not hungry, I offer my presence and my kisses that he's come to expect.

But I can't say the realest thing on my mind.

Donny Hathaway can. And Stevie can. But C. Noelle is at a loss for words.

What if I do say it and he didn't even expect it (even after six months) and it freaks him out and he won't answer my calls? Then what?

Then nothing.

And nothing hurts.

Sometimes.
C. Noelle

I said no.

There was a time when I had zero interest in teaching.

But I always wanted to give back in some way.

I figured I'd just work at a non-profit.

Everyone thinks English majors should teach.

Nevermind what we actually wanted to do with that degree; the only option is to teach school.

I didn't want to.

Every time someone asked I said "Oh heeeeell no!"

Until he mentioned it.

He said "Babe...I know you didn't get that degree to work at *******"

He was right, of course, but for me this job is a pit stop.

There's insurance and a nice discount, but it's getting to the point where the money isn't enough. I'm ready to move out and not have my phone bill be a strain on me.

PHONE BILL!!!

I want to take a trip next week. $130. I don't have phone bill money, money to pay for that, eat, spend, and pay my Gap bill.

Not a whole lot, actually, but I don't have it.

So...why not teach? Something to do. A way to give back. And I can get my certs in far less time than it would have taken to get an education degree. The sub course is...$150 max.

Sounds like a plan, stan.

It's always good to be with someone who makes you want to do more. Better.

Sounds good..."More. Better. Love."

Be lookin' out for that...

I started this blog...

...from my Blackberry.

Then I changed my mind.

I had another revelation today about why I love him.

Aside from the fact that he's so damn good looking and his smile just makes my day every time.

And Seven jeans.

And the passion he has for those kids.

After all that.

He cares about me.

He opens all the doors and he makes sure I have simple shit.

Like something to eat before I go to work.

And his last two dollars.

But sometimes I wonder...

He makes me happy though.

Rubs my head and lulls me to sleep...lets me lie on his chest even though I know his arm is going to sleep...gives me morning breath kisses even after he's brushed his teeth...

all that.

And most of the time I go to sleep smiling.

Singing.

Now the skies could fall...not even if my boss should call...the world it seems so very small...