People Keep Asking Me...

People keep asking me why I chose to become celibate.
No one can understand how somebody can just give up sex and still be alive I guess.
But I haven't been able to really talk about it to anyone.
They ask, and I answer. But not honestly.
So what better than to tell a bunch of strangers who probably will never read this?

I did it because I wasn't getting any in the first place.

And in my time off, I thought. I thought a lot.

I thought about the relationship I had just come out of that was fueled by about 98% pure lust and sexual energy.

We would lock eyes and lock hands...lock lips and arms and bodies...and before I knew it I was on orgasm number 5 and cloud 9 and losing my soul bit by bit to someone that wouldn't even store it properly.

And I couldn't get him to pick up the phone all day some days.

Couldn't even get him to keep a date.

But he could call when he needed some, and my silly perceptive ass was happy to oblige.

And when that bull shit ended and I escaped back to Oz to live my life alone again, the calls stopped coming and I stopped trying to make them and I realized that I just didn't need it.

Sex brings an insane amount of stress to any relationship.

Friends that fuck are often not friends anymore.

And sex can cause two people that otherwise love each other to stop talking and never want to speak again over a misunderstanding when the understanding that they had, which was greater, may have been that which changed the world.

I didn't have time for that stress.

And as I thought, I remembered that my body is a temple. By doing what I was doing I was desecrating my temple on more than one level.

I disrespected my body and I was giving away my mind, and one day I woke up and I was tired of that. I wanted my SELF back, and I wanted my control back.

And now I've got it, and I'm happy.

If I never meet another man that can deal with having a girlfriend that won't fuck him, I'll be my own damn girlfriend.



Music To Blog By

I tried to add this on the side w/ the pix, but it was too wide.

Just music I love.


I'm SOOOO fucking tired.

I'm tired as fuck.

And I'm irritated because I let myself get this way.

I knew what I was doing, and I saw the shit coming.

But I went with it anyway.

Note to self: next time you're so fuckin' unsure, don't jump in head first.

I keep saying I'm so through with love.

I need to just chill.

Wait for God to send my man and shit.

But then something gets dangled in front of me and before I can go forward prayerfully like I know I should, I'm like "Well maybe I'll just test the waters on this one."

And then the shit is scalding fucking hot.

You would think I'd learn.

I'm making excuses for my behavior and seeing signs. Calling little things signs and paying them too much attention.

Shit I was so excited to just have a saved man in my life I forgot his ass was human. Didn't think he would be in the same place I am.

But then he was.

And I was fucked, again.


I'm not in the mood.

For anything.

I'm stressed and I'm tired.

I just had those thoughts of death again.

Just to sleep and not wake up.

I don't feel like crying right now.

Don't have time for it.

Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

Maybe it's all in my head.

Maybe I'm not stressed or depressed.

I'm just dramatic.

Call me the drama queen.