I am thankful for...

My life.

One year ago I was dreading Black Friday in a job I hated. I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt...awful.

But this year, I'm in a totally different place. That mistake came back to bite me, but I was not left unprotected. I left the job in favor of something else, and that opened the door for me to do a lot more.

I'm taking steps toward establishing an actual career rather than just...changing jobs. That's a big deal to me.

I could be happier, but anything worth having is worth waiting for.

I am living through an exercise in patience. Maybe not patience. Maybe a lesson in listening to my first mind instead of my impulse. Until now, impulse has always won. Even when my mind was slowing me down, my impulse pressed my foot harder on the gas pedal.

As I look down the road toward my next birthday, I am learning to temper my impulse.

Good thing my birthday is after the holidays, cuz I just KNOW I'm gonna make some irresponsible choices on December 26th. Black Friday be damned. The day after Christmas is when the REAL sales get popping.

One year from now, I will be having this same reflective moment. I will be missing home badly, but I will be ready to visit for Christmas. I will have taken my next big step. I will be on the down side of my 20s, speeding rapidly to 30, and loving every moment of my life up to that point.


Trust?! What the fuck is trust?! [/Dave Chappelle]

While I was at work on Friday night, an ooooold friend came into my store. He is the ex-boyfriend of my best friend. They dated when we were maybe 15. I hadn't seen him since then, and he looked great. He quit smoking and looked 180 degrees different. [Yes, he was quite the smoker at age 15. Cigarettes and weed. And kept his Henny in a Pepsi bottle in the cupholder of his Jeep.]

He gave me his number to pass on to my friend. I gave her the number yesterday. A few hours later I called her mother and said I was coming over. As soon as I hung up the phone, she was calling me to ask me to come get her. Why?

Her son's father had just come to pick her up, but she sent him home. Her mother found out she was talking to her ex and invited him over. Well of course she had to stay and see him, right? Of course. No problem, because I was already on my way.

I got to the house a few minutes before ex-boyfriend. We all sat up playing dominoes and talking shit until about 1am. Ex-boyfriend was headed in the direction of her house, which is the opposite direction of my house. So why the hell couldn't he take her home?

Because she couldn't risk her baby's father seeing her getting out of the car with this ex.

He had seen him once and she mentioned "Oh there's so and so." I guess she didn't lie when he asked who the guy was. Good. Don't lie. Lying is stupid.

But you dated this boy when you were FIFTEEN. We are now TWENTY-FOUR. Yes it was a deep and intense relationship, but they ALL are when you're fifteen and a sophomore in high school. Why the fuck would he be mad that you got a ride home from him? Oh. Because he's an insecure ass so-and-so who doesn't trust you.

Of course she hit me with the "Well I wouldn't want him hanging out with an ex either." Girl. Girl. It was high school. The shit no longer counts. If you're with him now, why does it matter that you ran into someone you dated nine years ago and caught a ride home? It doesn't, and it shouldn't, and if your man has a problem with you speaking to a friend from high school, he's a bitch and you need to leave his ass alone ASAP.

She tried to defend his insecurity by saying "Well I have cheated on him before so I understand."


We are now adults.

If your "man" doesn't trust you to speak to another man (whether you cheated or not), y'all need to not be together. For real. Because you're wasting each other's time. If you don't trust him to speak to another woman, stay single until you get some security in your relationship.

I'll be doggoned if my partner is going to dictate my friendships to me. And if he thinks he is, he is not my partner.

A lot of women will tell you that they don't have female friends, although as I get older I think I hear that a bit less. However, I have not had more than five female friends at once ever in my life. I have always been drawn to men. That being said, I had these male friends when I met you. For a long time. And I'm not going to stop just because you feel some type of way. That's your problem.

The moral of this story:

If you do not trust each other, leave each other alone.

And if you think you want to cheat on your partner, leave them. You obviously don't love that person enough to keep your pants on and walk away from the situation. Your love for that person should override your momentary sexual desire. The math is simple. "I love my partner. I don't want to lose them. If I do this, I could lose them. Let me not."

But if you go through all those steps and STILL can step out, you need to stay single.

She said to me "But that may be someone you really could see yourself with!"

To which I replied, "Then you need to put shit on the table out gate. 'I like you. I want to be with you. However, I like to fuck a variety of people. I think we could be great together and I would like to keep you around, but it is unfair for me to make you be in a relationship while I still play single. That being said, let's keep each other company and fuck other people until we both can agree that we want to settle down.'"

Shit is simple. It gets complicated when grown ass people start to act like kids with the games and shit.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.


I am sitting on my bed wide awake. Not because I can't sleep. I am tired. I will work about twelve hours tomorrow. I should be getting into bed.

But my mind, being itself, is going.

I am very tired.

I feel like everything in the world is on my shoulders and it will soon prove overwhelming.

I would really like to just...quit.

I'm ready to just give up.

I don't know exactly what that entails, but I would very much like to try.

I have too many things to do. Too much responsibility. I'm tired of wearing my big girl pants all the damn time.

If this could just be...six months ago.

I am going through a very long period of transition. I am tired of evolution. I want things to just...stop. For once. Stop. I don't want to grow anymore right now. I need a break.

I feel like the world is closing in on me and I know that it won't fall on top of me and when it gets here it will only elevate me but I have a touch of claustrophobia and I can't deal with this closeness.

I'm almost twenty five years old. People tell me how young I am all the time, but 25 is almost 30 and I'm not even sure I'm on the trajectory to get where I want to be when I'm 30.

Dear whoever is in charge of all this,
Can this please be over by next March? I'm not even sure I have it in me to last through November just yet but I can't imagine what it will be like. And I know pressure makes diamonds and I know how long it takes but just...I'll settle for being something else. Or a small imperfect diamond. I'm trying really hard to live one day at a time and see the blessings in each day and think about the lilies of the field but this shit BLOWS.



I took a vacation last month. As I was reading some previous blogs I came across the one in which I spoke of it. Reminded me that I have not blogged since.

So...here goes...

Today is Monday, the day after Sunday. Two Mondays have passed since the last time I felt you near me. Every Tuesday and Wednesday and other day since then have left me physically feeling like something is missing. Like the day you forget to wear your watch. I think that maybe 7 days was too long. I got attached. But really, I'm not sure I don't like it.

I'm actually not sure of anything right now. Everything is open. Everything is "maybe". And I hate maybe. Perhaps, on this Monday, I am being taught to wait. To be patient. To breathe and be present, even if I am not where I want to be. I must still be here.

But regardless of it all, I had a beautiful time with a beautiful person. I was loved on and attended to in a way that is new to me. And as I sit here writing this, on a Monday afternoon, Crown Royal begins to play. If there is one song I have become quite fond of in these weeks that have passed, it's that one. I've also developed a deep attachment to The Foreign Exchange. I loved them before I left, but now they have become ingrained in the memories of that time. If we had a soundtrack, it would be Jill Scott's third album and all of FE's.

The stomach ache has returned, although I hardly felt it when I was with you. The heart palpitations and short breathing stopped, too. I took seven days to unwind. To be cute and get comfortable in the [not Milwaukee] sun. Fell in love that week. Can't focus on being here because I want to get back there. It's warmer. Even the sun seemed happier to be shining.

I was thinking that maybe I would go and I would find out that everything I thought I was wanting was completely wrong. But I was proved right. His hands felt like I knew they would. His kiss was just as wonderful. His voice was twice as soothing when being whispered into my ear. He smells like all sorts of wonderment. And he's sexy as hell. There are no words, really.

I was quiet because I was getting comfortable. I was settling in, I guess. And taking in all the moments, and in awe. Suddenly it was really happening. Just like it had happened in my daydreams. Thinking about it now, it still blows me away that that happened. One of those things you really can never explain, I guess. And if you can, it doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal. But feelings and words are not interchangeable.

It has been over a month...

...since my last blog post.

And while I am not necessarily proud of that fact, it's better than eight or nine months.

I am writing this post for the sake of writing it. Because I have not written more than tweets in those months, and I'm not sure Tumblr posts count.

So here I am, an ineffective writer.

But writing mad posts about how I'm not a writer just...kinda...is ridiculous.