Welcome to Today.

Today is Thursday. The day before Friday. The day before payday. I have missed the Goodwill Sale at the department store, but I have found the thing I so diligently sought. One of the things. After weeks of searching, I have found it on a Thursday. In Milwaukee, WI. The Thursday before the most important Wednesday I can remember to date. I have polished my fingers and toes in preparation for the event, although the polish will be done over before I go. Every day between now and then will be filled with electric air and anticipation of what your hands feel like when they grasp my waist.

But today is only Thursday. One day closer.

My stomach is aching as I sit here, and ideally I would ask a doctor about these sudden and often severe pains. That will be on the same day I ask about my short breathing and heart palpitations. And why my hip has started popping.

As I sit here, I think sweetly of more pleasant things although First 48 is on the TV.

I daydream, or just let my mind wander (as it is now night time and a night dream is just...a dream), about the things I could be doing and the things I should have done. What may happen in the future and how I or we may grow next year. If I don't continue forward from this jogging in place I've been doing, I will burn substantially less calories and still tire myself out. And I will have accomplished nothing.

But today, right now, I will check my mentions and play on Tumblr and re-polish the ruined nails.

Welcome to my daydream. Welcome to my future. Welcome to today.


My life, the mess.

Last night I mentioned some mess in my life, but I honestly don't want to talk about it anymore.

I'll shorten it I think.

My ex is buggin' out majorly. He had the nerve to tell me that I don't know what love and friendship are because I won't take care of him anymore.

First he was trying to snap on me and cuss and accuse me of...all sorts of shit. Just throwing a tantrum whenever he could.

Then he asked me to still blow him.

Mind you, he has a girlfriend. I told him that was off the table and not under the umbrella of "I'd do what I could for you."

I said "I'll give you a ride. I'll run an errand. I won't take care of your basic every day needs. That is no longer my responsibility."

I'm spoiled, but that sense of entitlement shit is something I won't ever understand. I need to figure out what my father did to keep it from growing in me. Maybe because he had no fear about punishing me when I fucked up. There were plenty of times when I went without as a child. I actually started working when I was twelve or thirteen and had my first legal job at 14.

I have no confusion about how to get what I want, I've just been fortunate enough to have people in my life that sowed into my life and will do for me. I never expect that treatment. As much as I appreciate my father, I know he doesn't have to do what he does for me.

But some people don't get that shit.

While all of this mess is going on, this other gentleman (which he really is) is all over my interwebs and BlackBerry just wooing my heart away.

We've been talking for a long time, and the whole time we have flirted and joked about all sorts of things. But all of a sudden it took a strong turn for the serious.

And it's fun. It feels ok. It feels...good.

And it's making me happy.

AND while I'm dealing with all of that, I start to rebound HARD.

I start checking old traps.

Which was...not my best idea.

Homeboy and I used to have amaaaazing sex. So amazing that he would text and call me several times a year after I told him to go jump in the lake three years ago.

Turns out he's a personal trainer now, which is pretty good for me.

Except that he's sweating me to damn DEATH. Constant texts and calls and "watchu doin" and all that shit. I'm like...I appreciate it, but get a life ASAP.

I thought I was sweating my sugar dumpling too hard but he saaaaid he liked my morning texts.

Plus dude was big before and he got skinny. I really...only liked his size and his oral abilities anyway. Since he's not big, the allure is gone.

Rebound thoughts in action, getting me into trouble.

Plus one of my best friends told me I'm gorgeous the other day, and then I got all flirtatious and told him I think he's cute too. Which I do. I think he's soooo fly.

And I knew this might happen, so I started to tell him "Please spurn my advances for the next three weeks!" but I didn't. Not to mention that he actually started it. I didn't.

Since I didn't start it, I think it might me ok to let it play out and just see. When we saw each other the other night, it wasn't the usual "Oh hai!" gaze, it was the "Oh...hey..." gaze. Then he didn't go for the handshake. He went for the hug. And the hug was extra tight. And I let my hand linger.

My interest is piqued at this point.

And now y'all know about my messy life.

Mess and foolishness.

And fun.