Things that are very odd.

Things that are very odd...

I am in love.

Yes, again.

But this time it is different.

This time it is the one thing I have been praying for since I was old enough to understand that I should have a prince charming.

This time, I don't love anyone else.

I only love him. I only want him. And he loves me back. He wants me back.

We lie in the bed at night and whisper our secrets to one another. We exchange ideas and thoughts on walks through the neighborhood. We passed an old married couple and greeted them; I'm almost certain we both were thinking "fifty years from now..."

I can be every thing that I am with him. I can be a bitch and a silly goose and a child and a woman. A lover, a fighter, a friend, a mother, a daughter...

and he loves every part of me.

When I look at him music starts playing...

you love me...especially...different...

And for me, it's amazing.

I started writing a piece last night in my head for him. May perform it tonight if I can get it together.

I can tell this is going to be a challenge.

Perhaps it is not time for me to write for him.

But I think it is.

And perhaps none of this is odd to anyone else, but to me it is.

But not the bad way.

As a matter of fact, in a new and wonderful way.

Odd and excellent and amazing and every superlative that exists.

Adult Content. I ain't line!

I'm in a bar right now. "Look Back At Me" is playing. As I'm sitting here bobbing my head, I start to listen to the lyrics (http://www.metrolyrics.com/look-back-at-me-lyrics-trina.html). Everything she's saying is like…hurting my heart. Not for it's offensive nature (if you haven't heard it, it's mega X-rated), but because I was in all those situations.

He had me begging for the dick. Saying all types of shit no lady should ever say. But when the lights went off I was no lady. I was his bitch. He called me "Black queen" but he treated me like his ho. My blindness to him was such that I started to like the way it made me feel. I did shit I never thought I would do. Probably the only thing I ever said "never" to. Other people watched. There might be a tape somewhere. But every time I did something he wanted me to without him having to choke me first (yeah it was like that), I felt a little less like myself. I was one step further into what I thought he wanted, and did not even realize that I could never really be that.

And I still can't believe I did that shit. That he would do that to me. It still hurts me that I loved him with all of my heart; some days I still do. In three years he could never say it back. But I gave and I gave and I hoped that he would start to put something back into the gaping black hole that loving him was leaving.

I guess he was leaving me with something, now that I really think about it. An understanding of things. Not things between him and me, but an understanding of the nature of things.

To be continued…
C. Noelle