I'm in a bar right now. "Look Back At Me" is playing. As I'm sitting here bobbing my head, I start to listen to the lyrics (http://www.metrolyrics.com/look-back-at-me-lyrics-trina.html). Everything she's saying is like…hurting my heart. Not for it's offensive nature (if you haven't heard it, it's mega X-rated), but because I was in all those situations.
He had me begging for the dick. Saying all types of shit no lady should ever say. But when the lights went off I was no lady. I was his bitch. He called me "Black queen" but he treated me like his ho. My blindness to him was such that I started to like the way it made me feel. I did shit I never thought I would do. Probably the only thing I ever said "never" to. Other people watched. There might be a tape somewhere. But every time I did something he wanted me to without him having to choke me first (yeah it was like that), I felt a little less like myself. I was one step further into what I thought he wanted, and did not even realize that I could never really be that.
And I still can't believe I did that shit. That he would do that to me. It still hurts me that I loved him with all of my heart; some days I still do. In three years he could never say it back. But I gave and I gave and I hoped that he would start to put something back into the gaping black hole that loving him was leaving.
I guess he was leaving me with something, now that I really think about it. An understanding of things. Not things between him and me, but an understanding of the nature of things.
To be continued…